With fire burning deeper than hell, my desire to defeat my enemies grows fierce despite their attempts to coerce me into submission. I push forward each day with nothing in sight that might help me along my way. I’ve hopped from job to job making nothing of myself because their is no way for me to progress up the food chain. There is no reason to work hard. You start as a sales associate working at some sort of retail store and the likelihood of moving up in management is slim to nil. You work for 10 months with a company and watch the slight increase in pay go to someone who goofs off and finds a way to disappear for hours at a time on shift. Management tells you that they look for the best people to fill their positions, but instead, they appoint someone who goofs off and has no respect from anyone of his sales associates. They know he does nothing for hours on end and have warned him repeatedly to no avail. He knows somehow that they will not fire him no matter what he does or how little he does. He maintains his position for months after I leave for what I believed to be my opportunity to escape poverty and start my own life. To start my life as one who conserves nature, it is for this that I went to school. I begin a new job working nights with marine fisheries agency. Four nights random nights on and 3 random nights off burning energy and patience with it. I do this for 10 months to only have my name slandered by someone who I thought was a friend and to have a boss say he was a friend only to drive a dagger in my back and stop me from pursuing what I thought might be a new beginning. I lose a job then another opportunity washes away. I grasp at smoke and watch everything that I believe as an opportunity to slip away through my fingers. I can nearly feel everything slipping away. I want success so bad. I want to do it for me, my parents, my brother. I work a seasonal job. Then, I work garage job of sorts for a few months. Then, I’m unemployed again because of health reasons. So, now, I’m trying again to go into my major. I’m trying to do what I love, but I feel like every time I try to do something that I’m already judged before I even come in the door. It’s like the snake has whispered something in their ear and it blinds them from who I am and the quality of work I can accomplish. I don’t want a manager spot. I just want a position where I can work hard and after a few months or a dozen months someone can tell me nice job. After 12 months of faithful, complete service, a bump in pay. Nothing extraordinary needs to happen. I want to work from the bottom of the totem pole and work my way up to manager in 5 or 10 years. If the fruits of my labor don’t meet your expectations, then tell me how to become better. Tell me how to work harder and more effectively. I want a company/boss to take my raw talents and shape them into something that can use. I want a job that I can be happy at. I want a company that I can be proud of. I want something that can move me out of my parents house and that I can potentially apply my degree to. I want to work. I don’t want to sit on my computer all day. I want to work 8-5 Monday through Friday. I have a fire that cannot and will not be extinguished. I will make it in this world somehow despite whoever or whatever stands against me. Then, when I have made it, I will freaking call every last one of those who stood against me and tell them that I did this and got to here because you didn’t see who I really could be. I want to burn every single last one of you who told me that I couldn’t make it. I want my words to sting you. I want them to bite into your soul. I want you to know that because of your actions that you thought you might drive me down. Well, you haven’t. You have instead brought forth a monster that might even rival Godzilla himself. I will get a job that I can be proud of.
Inspired by a friend who suffers from nightmares from her past every night or every other night to the point she is afraid to go to sleep. If you have never dealt with nightmares on a consistent basis, I hope this gives you a little insight into the horrors that sleep can bring for some. Take care of your friends as best you can because sleep doesn’t always bring rest for the weary.
As the trails of darkness leak into the room, the eyelids grow heavier. Like tungsten weights pulling on them, my eyes grow weary of fighting to watch for the dismal demons creeping across the carpet to my bedside manor. My eyes slip closed and at once I am fraught with nightmares creeping through dreams and distorting them. Dreams with light involved would start with a shadow under a tree that would slowly leak into and spread across the entire landscape like water on a floor. The dark shroud blotting out all the bright spots from the day and leaving nothing but black canvas for a demon to play with. You stare into the black with no idea what lays within. A cold hand touches your shoulder, but it is not there when you turn to face the mysterious foe. You second guess its presence but then the whispers start. Some criticizing your looks; others pursuing your job. Some reach out and take hold of your friends, desires, and dreams plucking at your most vital strings. Twisting words they say, the demons play havoc on your mind. You sit and wait til they are done knowing that all is fake. It’s just a dream turned nightmare. You control their fate. One eye open, and it all comes to end. You get an hour in and then it all snaps. You can’t take anymore of the torture. You pop up, wide awake. Sweat beading across your brow and tears streaming down your cheek. Friends were stripped from your loyal circle, parents slaughtered at the hand of a murderer, and brother hating you for interfering in his relationships. Each thing picked apart in your life piece by piece. You grab a drink of milk and head up to bed again. Flip on youtube and just sit there trying to find the reset button on life. Trying to find the reset button for sleep. Somewhere between an hour or 2 of being up from the nightmare you drift back to sleep for what seems like no time at all before the alarm goes off and life calls for you to go make dreams happen and talk to your friends, give your parents that hug, and tell your bro that if he needs you just to give you a call. Every time the sun comes up its like life hits reset, and you wish you would never to sleep because the nightmares hound you every time the darkness closes in. With all as it should be, peace reigns supreme and you don’t have to be on rock bottoms doorstep. It’s not time for the demons to try to run your life completely. They are limited to the shadows still. You are at peace, empowered, and in control building up your strength in the day to do battle at night. With the sun peeking through the windows, the demons run and hide in their shadows to lurk til the next moonless night behind your eyelids.
I sat there in my truck for all of 5 seconds. Looking over at this Brunette beauty who had tolerated my incompetence of being late for our second date. I had left late and hit some traffic but all that left my mind when she turned to me with a smile and thats ok. She got in my little Ford Ranger with her face beaming and her purse laden with a present. She had told me about bringing me some honey a couple weeks prior, but I figured she might forget. My error big time. Girls may tell you they forget, but they don’t ever. She pulled out this Mount Olive dill pickle jar that had been cleaned and filled with golden honey. It not only was a sweet gesture but also a sweet treat. I was surprised almost speechless. I stuttered out a thanks and cranked the truck. We cruised on down to a local restaurant that was one of her favorites, but I had only been once. We got parked after 15 minutes of hellish navigation of parking deck traffic, adults, and children. We parked on the top level of the deck out in the beaming sunshine. The sunshine blazed us with its radiance filling us with a glow unknown to each of us. Maybe it was a combination of the sunshine and that we both had never been in a relationship before. Maybe it was the nerves and butterflies beating in our chests. It was probably all the above making our cheeks glow the afternoon of the April the 13th.
It was our second date ever together. We are taking it slow. We both are still new to the whole relationship thing. Just kind of feeling our way around blindly. We both know that God is the center of our relationship and we are going to try to keep it that way.
But on with the story, we got seated at the restaurant in no time at all. We sat and I just looked across at her and smiled. She didn’t get to see me beaming almost laughing at myself. I was seated across from a very lovely girl who actually liked me. The conversation was light and cheerful until it rolled around to church. Then, the question of the afternoon hit and I saw it coming: “Where do you go to church?” This question has plagued me for the last 4 years and had been a constant thought to what would happen if I met a girlfriend at some point. And here it was. The time had arrived. I played the whole excuses thing about not having time. Absolute failure there for me. She saw right through it. I continued onto my next line of defense. I like my sleep. She faltered slightly but pursued me on past that line of defense. Then, my final line of defense. The one I dont like to talk about caught up, and I mentioned a secret that is held close to my heart that involves my family as a whole unit. It started with one family member and has effected us all. I can’t mention it online since it is the web after all. But, it left some deep scarring and comes up from time to time. We are moving forward as a family by placing one foot in front of the other but slowly is the word. I mentioned this in all in one word and just said that stuff happened. She didn’t pursue past the word stuff. She just wanted me. She just wanted my heart on the same page as hers. I admired that immensely in that moment she locked her eyes on mine. Such trust and respect for my soul and our family’s privacy. She asked that I come to church one morning with her one Sunday and just playing it by soul. I said sure. It will happen at some point. I need to get back to church sometime. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. To be prompted by emotional connection to someone to prepare one’s heart for the Lord but also for another. As I even type this I continue to mull how that entire sequence went. We got past that whole sequence with not even a deep sigh from me. No stress in talking about church or anything like I had experienced on campus. Just a relaxing atmosphere with a dear friend. We talked about life, favorite fruits, veggies, friends, the movie, etc. The conversation ranged far and wide.
We also lost track of time. We finished our meal and were digesting our very large pieces of cheesecake when she gazed at her phone just checking a friend’s text message and noticed the time. It was 3:35 and the movie was at 3:45. I had never paid for a lunch so fast in my life. We out of there like a shot and in the truck by 3:40. I turned on the radio on low and Song about a Girl – Eric Paslay came on. I was just lightly singing it even though I could barely hear myself, and she surely couldn’t hear me singing. But, it just gave me something to think about while sitting there waiting on someone to let in line to get to that movie. I was slightly nervous because I wanted everything to go right. She just sat there in the passenger seat. Just staring forward calm as could be. She was great. She kept me calm and kept me walking slowly all the way to buy tickets and everything. We got our tickets and went to sit in the theater. Come to find out that sitting down at 3:57 pm that we had missed nothing from the movie and we had to sit through another 3 or 4 previews.
Side note: she can’t stand previews. I can enjoy them from time to time since it gives me an idea of what kind of movies to look for later.
The movie got started and it was great. The whole time I was watching the movie and the action lulled I would contemplate whether I should hold her hand during the movie in classic story telling fashion, but I never did. Absolute silence form both of us through the entire movie as nerves chewed at me to hold her hand. We left the theater and the instant we got outside I reached for her hand. She reached for mine and we held hands. It was electric. My heart rate probably hit the roof in that moment. Time seemed to stop and all my thoughts were erased. I remember going down the 2 escalators on the way back to our spots where I had left my car parked next to hers. My thoughts went blank until I heard the word parents then I became in tuned to the conversation again. She was talking about me meeting her parents. To tell you the truth, I was on such a high from holding her hand that in the most calm voice ever I said that I was fine with that whenever. Then, I made the ultimate mistake. I said that I was not nervous about meeting her parents.
Reflecting back on that now, I must have been on some sort of drug or something. Now, I get nervous every time I think about it. I get worried how her parents will take me since I met his daughter through an online dating site. I write this here in knowing that it will be awhile before she gets to read my blog. Then, we can look back and reflect on how nervous I am now. The pressure is on and I have to be the gentleman big time. I also got to be myself. I keep telling myself I got this, but I wont know until the day comes.
We strolled back to her nearly green, pollen covered, blue mustang. We stood there talking. Just briefly though. She had to be home, and I wasn’t going to stop her. I walked her around to her car door and just stood there looking at her as she sat there putting her purse in the passengers seat. I looked into her eyes but got caught. Her next question in half a laughing tone is what? Literally, all I could think to say was nothing….. the word nothing…. I could have said all the I’m just so lucky to have met her and that I am just such a lucky guy but my mind had stopped working. I was completely useless. I couldnt think of words or anything. I was just a smiling goofball. I closed the door and walked over to my truck. I didnt get in though. I just stood there and watched her drive away. Then, I just took a deep breath and started the truck to drive back from one of the most amazing days of this year. Hopefully many more to come and I can expand on this little love story. God willing our love will bloom forth like a rose.
- Seeing this lovely girl across the park sitting at a picnic table, he looks up and she sees him looking but glances away quickly. He looks away gazing up at the sky but with a peaked interest in this pretty brown haired girl sitting at the table not that far from him. He wonders if she was looking beyond him but can’t get the feeling out of his heart and mind that she was looking at him. He looks over towards her again and she is staring. She looks away again not wanting to let her eye contact linger too long. He keeps on looking. He keeps on dreaming. His heart rate speeds up cause he now knows he has to go say hey. She has to have boyfriend he thinks. There is no way this beautiful girl is single. But I can just go say hey and just make a friend at the very least. He gets up and starts walking towards her. His heart is beating in his ears as he walks up and just says hey. He doesn’t barely hear the reply but sits down across from her. They have a wonderful conversation about life and love and love lost. But he can’t seem to rid himself of the mesmerizingly green eyes she has. He gets lost in them every time she looks up. But she doesnt seem to like to make eye contact. Enough is enough though. He comes over and sits next to her hoping that she doesnt shy away from such a forward action. But he places his finger slightly under her jaw to direct her eyes towards him. He just stares getting lost int he sparkling green. The piercing stare of someone so beautiful that could read his soul if she ever wanted. She wonders why he stares so contentedly and why she is no longer afraid to look him in the eyes. She is comfortable with this young man to look at her and not be afraid of what he might see or what he might feel. Maybe that was it. His eyes captivate her. He stares into his eyes trying to read his soul. Trying to understand if this young man was for real or just some other guy trying to play with her heart. She decides to let God take the wheel of this and to take it slow. She gives him her number so they can stay in touch. He gets up slowly feeling lighter than air. This amazing girl was single and he did not know why but he didn’t care. His heart was floating. Her eyes were captivating. Life took on a new meaning for him as he walked away. This girl seemed to perfect but he was happy to have met this lovely girl named Karen.
I pick up Britt from her house and open the door to my pick up truck and help her in. We drive for an hour to a place in the middle of a field where their isn’t a soul to be seen for miles and to watch the sun set. The crickets are chirping. The crops are whistling slightly as the crops shake slightly from the breeze. I hop out of the truck and take Britt’s hand as I help her out my truck, and I put down the tail gate. I grab a blanket from the pick up and a cooler with tea and sandwiches. I spread them out on the bed of the pick up, and I get up on the bed of the pick up and help pull my girlfriend Britt up on the bed of the pick up with me. We sit on the bed of the pick up enjoying the soft silence of the spring sun on our faces as it sets. Sipping on the tea slightly just to keep us cool, I look over at Britt’s face glistening in the sun like a golden gem. I stare until she turns; then, I look away trying to hide this distinct feeling of pleasure that I get from being able to know that my heart belongs to this girl. Her every move and every word just adds to my pleasure of being next to her. Her hands hold not only my hands in them but my hopes and dreams. She holds my heart no matter how I look at it. The sun sets while we talk and mull over our feelings for each other. She leans over and kisses me on the cheek while I stare off into the enclosing darkness. I pull the blanket over us as we sit in the darkness and watch the moon start coming up. I look at her this time but not looking away when she looks at me. Her first question, “What…?” cracks a smile across my face. I tell her that I am just smiling at one of God’s most beautiful creations that he ever made. I lean over and kiss my girlfriend on the lips lightly and just let the smell of her skin and body wash over me like a waterfall. I soak it up over and over. Am I addicted to her love? Yes, yes I am. I am addicted to her love and her and everything that goes with her. The moon is high over head, and she needs to get home. I help her out of the back, and I pack away everything. I open the door for her and help her back in. I run around to the other side of the truck and hop in. I turn on the country music and let it play a little in the background, while, I reach across the seat and hold her hand as I drive her home. I drop her off at home with a light kiss goodbye and just walk slowly back to my pick up truck feeling her eyes following me back to my truck. I hop in and look back towards the door where I left her standing, but she isnt there anymore. I see a blind twitch and know somehow that it was her and not her folks. I know she is waiting for me to leave so I crank the truck and drive back to my house to contemplate these feelings that this girl has blessed me with.
I walk up slowly and take Britt’s hands. I gaze into her blue eyes while slowly leaning in. I let out a deep breath, letting it course down her neck. I stroke her face lightly. Leaning in and kissing her on the neck while I still hold her hands. I slowly release the hands, but lean my head back to see the effect of the kiss on the neck. I look at those blue eyes dancing with expectation and laughter. I let my arms slowly wrap around her sides until I am enveloping her in my arms. Pulling her close to me, I whisper “thanks for being a great friend and for being someone I can trust.” Still holding her close, I feel her breathing and listen to it, the slow methodical rhythm of her heart in my ears, her heart that I must protect, her heart that trusts me. She deserves the best, and I will strive to give her the best of me when she needs me there.
I step outside my door a little past midnight and am met by a friendly smell, the smell of the coast. My house is not oceanfront, but I am a short stroll from the beach. I hit the elevator button and listen to the dings as the elevator passes each floor. As if to announce that it was coming along and that it was coming as fast as it humanly could. I step into the elevator and press the button for the ground floor. I wait as the doors close, and the elevator starts its way down. I step out of the compartment and meet my companion of sea air. I am lured to the beach by the perfume of the sea air. The perfume grows stronger and stronger. Until, I am enveloped in the intoxicating smell. The scent permeates my clothes. My very feet are flavored with salt and shell as I step down from the wood bridge that crosses the dunes. I wiggle my feet in the sand soaking in the cool feeling. I take a step into the darkness and just become absorbed in its being. I am not lost in the darkness but enjoy the strange feeling of being alone with the perfume of sea air and the crashing of the ocean. I take several more steps. I pause amidst the loudness of the sea and hear the sound of scrambling feet below me amongst the grains of sand. I whip out my flashlight and shine it on the sand. In front of me lays nothing but sand. I take another step. Something dashes out of the sand and down the seashore. I take off after it determined to see who is out here with me. I finally catch up with the culprit. It is a small fiddler crab. His beady little stalk eyes look at me with such resolve to stop running and face me that his fierceness is surprising. Especially since he is about the same size as my heel. I take a couple pictures and leave him be. I now turn off the flash light and stroll down a little ways. I plop down in the sand and lay flat on my back. I look up at the moon and the stars thinking about life, God, and happiness. It all instilled an inner peace in my soul. I let out a deep sigh and breathe in the peace and perfume offered by the lady sea and lady night. I meditate in their presence and the guardians of the sand. I doze off and wake 2 hours later with the moon over head and grains of sand in my hair. I try to recall what I was dreaming and what might have woken me up, but I cannot. I drag myself to my feet and stumble back towards the wooden bridge trying not to awake my body from the coziness of the night and peacefulness of the environment. After walking for 5 minutes, I lose the feeling and walk back to my little condo across the street from the beach. I kick the rocks disappointedly knowing that tomorrow I must leave this place of paradise for the real world. My vacation home must be left behind because the weekend is coming to a close. I pass by the elevator and take the long way up to the fourth floor. I don’t want the perfume to leave or for my company to leave. But, I must leave them until I can permanently join them several years from now. I reach the door and turn the key in the lock. I open the door and look back into the night and take one more deep breath enjoying the salty goodness right before I go into a slumber so deep and so peaceful that the very oceans rumbles could never wake me. I close the door behind me and jump into bed. I snuggle down deep in the covers and close my eyes. Before I know it, I am swimming in a sea of sand with my crab companions and talking to lady night and lady sea. My vacation may be coming to a close but the dreams are only beginning.